New Year’s Resolutions

It’s the New Year. 2018. Yay.

A lot of you are probably waking up with bloodshot eyes, a screaming migraine, and smelling like something that died in the back of McDonalds whilst reminiscing over 2017. Maybe you gained an unwanted 15lbs? Bought a new fill in the blank you couldn’t afford? Stayed in the same shitty relationship because of fill in the blank with another shitty excuse. Picked up an unhealthy addiction to strippers, coke, and tiger blood? Hey, it worked for Charlie…

So, what to do?

Oh, I know! Make a New Year’s Resolution!

What’s that you say? It’s the New Year. #NewYearNewMe or whatever other #basicasfuck #hashtaggable #colloquialism you can come up with. Fuck that. #sorrynotsorry Not to squash your #PSL dreams, but yoga pants, UGGs, man-buns, corgi’s, and your penchant for procrastinating via New Year’s Resolutions aren’t going to change shit and your Instagram feed won’t save you. But you know what’s really trending? Getting your shit together.

The best time to start making a change was yesterday. The second best time is NOW. Creating a New Year’s Resolution is the same as waiting for a later time to take action on something that needs to be addressed now. It may sound like, “I’m starting a diet on Monday to shed these 5lbs,” or, “I’m waiting till next week to call the credit card company.” No. Do that shit now.

When you are genuinely serious about completing a task, you do it now. If you desperately need to take a shit, do you postpone your poop till the following Wednesday? No, you run to the john and bust-a-move on the thunder throne. How about we apply that same crap-your-pants urgency to life?

Are you with me on this? Good.

You’ll need five things:

· A pen.

· Some paper.

· A mouth to tell others.

· The I’m-beyond-tired-of-the-stench-of-my-own-shit state of mind.

· The willingness to make a change.

Whatever you would like to course correct, write it down. Shit, write it down several times.

Why are you still reading? Write it down. Now.


Now, post that shit around your house, at the office, on street signs, your neighbor’s annoying-ass kid’s forehead, wherever you’ll see it. Make it so mentally pervasive you can’t escape it (you know, like the opinions or your in-laws you can’t seem to shake). Writing your new found purpose down and posting it in your line of sight will serve as a visual reminder to constantly engage the brain. This will reinforce new thought patterns giving you the continual tap-on-shoulder to make the right choice.

Yeah, you’re still reading, but didn’t post it did you? Do you notice a trend here? Go put that piece of paper somewhere you’ll see it.

Tell a friend. Tell lots of friends. Tell co-workers, family, neighbors, and strangers; whoever will listen. And don’t tell them you made a New Year’s Resolution. They’ll know you’re full of shit, because that’s what New Year’s Resolutions are. Instead, explain to them that you’ve been thinking about fill in the blank for a while and it’s been weighing on you. You’ve decided to take these steps to make a positive change because you can’t live like you have anymore. If they care for you, they’ll buy in and BAM! You’ve got a support network to stand by you.

And remember, you have us, too. We’re in it together.

Got a comment? Something you’d like advice on? Need a bit of boot in the ass? Let us know.